Your past has more impact on your present than you imagine.
During a couples therapy session, Victoria, 38, and Esteban, 39 (not their real names), described their arguing pattern to me. Victoria is looking for more connection and affirmation than Esteban is comfortable giving. When Victoria makes demands, Esteban withdraws because he feels criticized.
Victoria put it this way: "I feel so alone in my marriage, like I did growing up. I don't think my parents cared much about me. They would argue or threaten to separate. Eventually, my father left when I was ten and never came back. My therapist says my fear of abandonment is triggered by Esteban's withdrawal and I know she's right. But it's hard to give him space when I need reassurance."
Esteban reflects, "When Victoria gets clingy and points out my flaws, like not paying attention to her, it makes me feel trapped and discouraged. So, I just walk away."
What I explained to Victoria and Esteban is that we tend to have a composite image of people who have influenced us in the past - their appearance, personality, tone of voice, behavior and others. features. People often gravitate toward relationships that resemble their parents or the way their parents treated them.
For example, you might choose someone who is emotionally distant because one of your parents was. Psychoanalysts call this the “repetition compulsion.” It is an unconscious tendency to want to repair the past, to recreate it, to improve it.
INACCURATE CHILDHOOD MEMORIES AND UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Everyone has assumptions about how romantic relationships work based on past experiences. These assumptions, which include how others treat you, can lead to unrealistic expectations, misunderstandings and disappointments.
Most people enter marriage with unrealistic expectations that their partner will provide them with a sense of completeness. They have a vague memory of their childhood and try to recreate it. In reality, even in families where parents have done their best to raise their children and maintain stability, there are a multitude of factors that can lead to problems.
Once Victoria and Esteban became aware of how differences in their attachment styles contributed to their arguing dynamics, they were able to discuss it and felt less affected. They learned to show empathy and understanding.
REALIZE
Most experts believe that the first step to emerging from the shadow of your past is to become aware. This means adopting a more realistic image of your childhood. To do this, talk to one of your parents, your siblings, or close friends. Try to keep an open mind, even if their memories of your childhood differ greatly from yours.
Next, consider how your childhood experiences affect how you perceive your partner's behavior. Pay close attention to how your parents handled conflict. Did they communicate effectively, argue for long periods of time, or sweep issues under the rug?
If they rarely spent time together discussing problems, it could cause you to overreact when your partner turns away from you.
Next, acknowledge the damage done during your childhood and focus on healing rather than blaming. Become aware of how unhealthy dynamics from your upbringing may influence the way you think about your partner. You can develop a more accepting perspective by focusing on their strengths rather than their flaws. Create a plan to repair the damage caused. For example, consider couples therapy and read books together, such as "Eight Meetings for a Happy Couple's Life" by Dr. John Gottman.