Anatomy of Trust in a Relationship: What Constitutes Betrayal, Beyond Infidelity
- Sabrina B.
- Aug 11
- 3 min read
When we talk about betrayal, we immediately think of adultery, big secrets revealed, promises spectacularly broken. It's the image of a stab in the back that ends the story. But what if betrayal had a much more ordinary, more insidious face? What if it lay in the unsaid, the omissions, and the everyday actions that erode trust in a couple, brick by brick, until the wall of your relationship crumbles?
This is what psychologists Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend suggest, as well as John M. Gottman's work on the science of trust.
Betrayal is not just a single act; it is anything that breaks the pact of safety and mutual care that two people have established.
It is this breakdown of the bond that creates insecurity and doubt, even when there is no infidelity.
Deconstructing the Myth: Betrayal Is More Than Infidelity
Betrayal isn't always sexual. It can take the form of a breach of loyalty, a lack of support, or a breakdown in transparency. It's a lack of alignment between what you expect from your partner and what they provide. These are actions that violate the unwritten contract of the relationship, making your partner no longer feel safe around you.
Here are some of those everyday betrayals, the ones that have nothing to do with sex, but that undermine trust in ways that are just as devastating.
The silent betrayals that erode trust in a couple
Public Criticism: The Stab in the Back You're at a dinner party, and your partner tells a humiliating story about you under the guise of humor. You laugh along with the others, but inside, you feel small. This isn't just a lack of tact. It's a breach of the loyalty that promised you, in front of the world, that you're a team. Laughing at your weaknesses, even for the sake of entertainment, destroys that bond of solidarity that unites you.
Unilateral Decisions: Putting the Relationship on Hold Your partner took out a loan for a new car without telling you. He agreed to move abroad for a new job without discussing it with you first. These unilateral decisions, even if well-intentioned, are betrayals of the union you've built. They break the promise of being a team. You feel not like a partner, but like an accessory in his life.
Lack of Support: The Absence That Hurts Imagine you're in conflict with your family. Your partner is there, they listen, they're willing to listen, but when it comes time to take action or defend you in front of your family, they duck out. They stay silent to avoid problems. This is a betrayal of the promise that your emotional well-being is important. This lack of support at the crucial moment destroys the trust you had in them.
Little Lies: The Beginning of the End "No, I didn't spend that much money." "No, I didn't tell my friend about it." These little lies, even if they seem harmless, are the first signs of betrayal. They erode the bond between you. They make you doubt, not your partner's love, but the sincerity of their commitment.
The BTR: From Betrayal to Reparation
Betrayal, even small betrayal, has the same effect as major betrayal: it weakens the relationship. But this fragility is not inevitable. It's a three-step process, which Gottman summarized with the acronym BTR:
Betrayal: This is the act that hurts, the unspoken, the lie or the lack of support.
Trust: This is the state of security that was broken by this betrayal.
Repair: This is the solution, the reconstruction.
Reparation isn't just "forgiveness." It's an active process that requires effort on both sides. It begins with acknowledging the pain you've inflicted, expressing sincere remorse, and committing to acting differently in the future. It's by confronting the betrayal, naming it, and repairing it that we can hope to rebuild a bond stronger than before.
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