Love or Limerence? The Guide to Differentiating Attachment from Obsession
- Sabrina B.
- Aug 17
- 5 min read
There's a feeling we're all familiar with, an emotion that has inspired thousands of works of art, poems, and songs. It's the intoxicating, all-powerful feeling of falling in love, the euphoria that monopolizes our thoughts and colors our reality. It's often called "love at first sight" or "infatuation." But in psychology, this phenomenon has a specific name: limerence . This concept, theorized by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, describes an involuntary and obsessive psychological state of attraction to another person.
The heart of limerence lies in an intense fear of rejection and a burning desire for reciprocity. The happiness of the person in limerence depends entirely on how the object of their affection responds to their advances.
This article aims to explore what limerence is, distinguish it from true love, and offer you the keys to understanding how this powerful state can be a force for building or destroying, not only you, but also your relationship. Far from being a guide to killing love, this article is a beacon to help you navigate the turbulent waters of obsession and find the path to a healthier, more lasting attachment.
What is limerence? A portrait of an obsessive state
Limerence is a psychological state, a cognitive and emotional process that is triggered by a specific individual, called the "object of limerence." It is not a conscious choice, but a reaction characterized by a series of distinct symptoms, which differentiate it from true love.
Intrusive Thoughts: The most prominent symptom of limerence is the incessant and intrusive stream of thoughts about the object of limerence. These thoughts can occupy a large part of the day, interfering with concentration and productivity. The person attempts to analyze every interaction, every word, every gesture of the other, looking for evidence of reciprocity.
Idealization of the object: The object of limerence is perceived as an idealized version, a flawless being, onto which all the desired qualities are projected. This idealization is all the stronger when the knowledge of the other is superficial. The mind does not see the person as they are, but as it would like them to be.
Fear of Rejection and the Need for Reciprocity: The heart of limerence lies in an intense fear of rejection and a burning desire for reciprocity. The happiness of the person in limerence depends entirely on how the object of their affection responds to their advances. The slightest sign of attention is experienced as a sign of hope, and the slightest sign of disinterest as a source of profound despair. Emotional life is a veritable roller coaster, regulated by the actions of the other.
Activation of a "reward network": Neurobiologically, limerence activates the same reward circuits as addictions. The hope of reciprocity is a powerful trigger of dopamine, the pleasure hormone, which explains the obsessive-compulsive nature of this state.
True Love: Attachment as a Foundation
Unlike limerence, true love is a psychological and relational construct that is established on a basis of attachment , intimacy, trust and cooperation. It is not a state of affairs, but a choice, a commitment that is renewed daily.
Trust and Security: True love is a feeling of deep security. It is based on mutual trust that allows both partners to feel safe and free to be themselves without fear of rejection or judgment.
Acceptance of the other: True love is not idealization. It is a process of accepting the other with their qualities and flaws. It is about seeing the person for who they are, in all their complexity, and loving them despite, and perhaps even because of, their imperfections.
Cooperation and friendship: True love is a form of deep friendship, a cooperative relationship where both partners act as a team. It is a feeling of unity, of solidarity, where the goal is to build a common life project.
The Meeting of Two: Why Limerence Can Destroy Love
Limerence, by its obsessive and compulsive nature, can become a destructive force, especially in an existing relationship. It is one of the main risk factors for infidelity.
The desire for novelty: The intensity and uncertainty of early relationship development are a powerful driver of limerence. Seeking this excitement, the person may be tempted to seek it outside of the relationship, thus betraying their partner for an emotional high that is, by nature, fleeting.
The Mirage of Perfect Love: Limerence is a mirage. The idealization phase cannot last forever, and when reality sets in, it can be experienced as disillusionment. The person then faces a dilemma: either accept the person for who they are and attempt to build an attachment, or continue their quest, an endless quest, for a feeling that is, by nature, impossible to maintain.
Navigating the Cycle of Limerence: From Obsession to Freedom
Limerence is not inevitable. It is a condition that can be understood and learned to manage.
Becoming aware of the phenomenon: The first step to freeing yourself from limerence is becoming aware of it. This means recognizing that the feeling you're experiencing is limerence, not true love. This awareness allows you to step back and deactivate the cycle of obsession.
Detaching from hope and uncertainty: The cycle of limerence is fueled by the hope of reciprocity and uncertainty. To break free, it is necessary to detach from both forces. Psychologist Dorothy Tennov suggests a strategy of "extinction," which involves minimizing contact with the object of limerence to break the cycle of hope and uncertainty.
Refocusing on oneself: Therapeutic work can help refocus on oneself, to understand the underlying needs that have been projected onto the object of limerence. By working on self-esteem and the capacity to love oneself, one frees oneself from the need for external validation and opens the way to a true love, based on security and self-respect.
Conclusion on Limerence: From Obsession to Freedom
Limerence is a powerful and disorganizing force, but it is not love. Love is a feeling that builds, deepens, and solidifies over time. Limerence is a state of affairs, a mirage that, if not understood, can push us toward regrettable choices. The path to a fulfilling relationship lies not in the intensity of limerence, but in the stability of a healthy, secure, and conscious attachment. It is by learning to free ourselves from obsession that we can truly learn to love.
Keywords: Limerence, Love, Obsession, Attachment, Infatuation, Psychology, Relationship
Are you experiencing symptoms of limerence? Is it love or obsession that's guiding your choices? If you'd like to explore these questions and receive support in navigating the complexity of these feelings, I offer online coaching sessions from Monaco to guide you on this path.
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