Beyond Monogamy: Infidelity in Polyamory and the Mirror of Our Expectations
- Sabrina B.
- Aug 26
- 4 min read
In our society, infidelity is a concept that elicits an immediate and binary emotional reaction. It is the ultimate betrayal, the end of a sacred promise, the symbol of rupture. This perception is so deeply ingrained that the idea of infidelity in a non-monogamous relationship can seem like an oxymoron. A common misconception is that since everyone is free to love other people, cheating is impossible. However, this simplistic view misses the point. Infidelity is not a matter of the number of partners, but of transgressing a contract of trust, whether explicit or implicit.
The real challenge of infidelity isn't having another relationship, but being silent about our expectations and being afraid to talk about them.
It is through the lens of consensual non-monogamous relationships that we can truly understand what infidelity means and, more importantly, what it reveals about our own views of love, security, and betrayal.
Polyamory: Infidelity Redefined by Consent
In a monogamous relationship, infidelity is defined by the breach of an agreement of sexual and emotional exclusivity, an agreement often implicit and never truly discussed in depth. In polyamory, where exclusivity is not a prerequisite, the definition of betrayal is much more nuanced and is based on a foundation of ongoing consent and radical communication.
Dr. Justin L. Clardy, in his book "Why It's OK to Not Be Monogamous," points out that infidelity doesn't disappear in these relationships, but rather takes on a new form. Infidelity is the violation of a mutual agreement. What's at stake isn't the act itself, but the lies and deception surrounding it.
Betrayal of the Transparency Pact: In polyamory, transparency is imperative. Infidelity lies in hiding an encounter, lying about the nature of a relationship, or acting in secrecy. What destroys trust is not the fact that the partner is in another relationship, but that they deliberately chose to withhold this information, thus violating the very principle of informed consent.
Transgression of Consensual Boundaries: Non-monogamous couples set clear rules: some may accept secondary partners, but not allow these relationships to interfere with family life; others may allow sex, but not emotional attachment. Betrayal is the breach of these established and mutually agreed-upon boundaries.
Infidelity in polyamory is therefore a concept that revolves less around sexuality than around deception and non-consent .
The Mirror of Monogamy: Infidelity as a Revelator of Our Expectations
By forcing us to redefine infidelity, polyamory offers us a new perspective on monogamy itself. Esther Perel, in her analysis of modern love, describes infidelity not as a symptom of a failing relationship, but as a crisis of modern love in which we expect our partner to be everything: our best friend, our confidant, our passionate lover, our financial support, and the source of our security.
The Dilemma of Modern Love: Our society has sold us an ideal of exclusive love that must combine security (the need for permanence) and desire (the need for adventure and novelty). Monogamy, which promised to contain these two forces, can sometimes prove incapable of doing so, paving the way for infidelity. Esther Perel speaks of the "infidelity of desire," a quest for an alternative version of oneself, for freedom and lost adventure.
The Silence of Expectations: In monogamy, many agreements are implicit. We assume that our partner knows what we expect of them without us needing to articulate it. This lack of communication, which is often only broken by the crisis of infidelity, highlights the work of clarification and transparency that should be the foundation of all relationships.
Polyamory, by its very nature, requires radical and ongoing communication. It shows us that the challenge of monogamy isn't the promise of exclusivity, but the silence about our expectations and the fear of speaking about them.
Jealousy and Attachment: Infidelity as a Fundamental Wound
The sources explore the psychological impact of betrayal, whether in a monogamous or non-monogamous setting. Jessica Fern, in "Polysecure," sheds light on how our attachment styles influence our response to betrayal.
Jealousy as a signal: In a polyamorous relationship, jealousy is rarely seen as an existential threat, but rather as a signal. This signal must be explored to understand the underlying insecurity: fear of being replaced, lack of quality time with the partner, personal insecurity.
Fear of abandonment: Betrayal in polyamory is often perceived as abandonment, a breach of the secure base. A person with anxious attachment may view their partner's relationship with another as a threat to their safety, even if the relationship is consensual. Infidelity, then, is a violation of the emotional, not the sexual, security pact.
Infidelity, in these contexts, is a betrayal of the promise of security, which may have deep roots in our past experiences. This is one of the pillars of attachment theory that is being put to the test.
The Road to Repair: Lessons for All Relationships
Infidelity, whether it's a secret affair in monogamy or a violation of an agreement in polyamory, is a betrayal of trust . But it doesn't have to be the end. The BTR (Betrayal, Trust, Repair) model also applies.
Acknowledging the pain: The first step is to acknowledge the extent of the hurt. In both models, this requires transparency and courage on the part of the partner who committed the infidelity.
Rebuilding trust: Rebuilding trust is an active process. In polyamory, this may involve redefining rules, strengthening communication, and reassuring your partner that they are important. In monogamy, this may involve exploring the reasons that led to the infidelity—not to excuse it, but to understand it and ensure that the couple emerges stronger from it.
Infidelity teaches us a vital lesson: in any relationship, the real work lies not in the rules, but in communication, consent, and the ability to face our deepest fears. Polyamory, by forcing this work of clarification, becomes a mirror that reflects back to us the image of a society where expectations have become so heavy that they can no longer be carried by a single individual or role model.
Keywords: Infidelity, Polyamory, Non-monogamy, Consent, Trust, Esther Perel, Communication.
Image credit: @Westkast
What does the concept of infidelity reveal about your own fears and expectations? If you'd like to explore these questions and rebuild a solid foundation of trust, regardless of your relationship model, I offer online and in-person couples therapy sessions in Monaco to support you.
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