The Cycle of Obsessive Love: From Hope to “Crystallization”
- Sabrina B.
- Sep 7
- 3 min read
The heady, overwhelming feeling of early relationship, often mistaken for true love, is a distinct and intense psychological state. It is called obsessive love , a phenomenon that monopolizes thoughts and colors our reality. It is not healthy love, but a state that, if not recognized and managed, can lead to suffering and emotional dependence.
"Withdrawal syndrome, so typical of addiction, is at the heart of the experience of unreciprocal limerence. Refusal or lack of affection is perceived as rejection, which triggers real psychological pain."
This article explores what obsessive love is, demystifying its phases, mechanisms, and dangers. The goal is not to kill passion, but to understand this cycle in order to transform it into a healthier and more lasting attachment.
The Cycle of Obsessive Love
Obsessive love is an intense, often unconscious, emotional cycle that follows a distinct path.
Incubation phase (infatuation): The cycle begins with a strong infatuation. You constantly think about the other person, who is called the "object of obsession." The slightest touch, a simple glance, is interpreted as a sign of hope and reciprocity. This uncertainty fuels obsession and desire.
“Crystallization” (Idealization) Phase: Infatuation then transforms into a “crystallization” phase, during which the obsession reaches its peak. Your mind begins to idealize the object of obsession, projecting onto them qualities they do not possess. You only see what is perfect and completely ignore the flaws. This mindset feeds the cycle, as it only takes a signal of interest to trigger feelings of euphoria and a display of disinterest to plunge the person into depression and anxiety.
Decline (extinction or transition) phase: Obsessive love cannot last forever. It ends in two main ways. The first is extinction , an often painful ending that occurs when the person realizes their feelings are not reciprocated. The second is a transition to true love, once the idealization fades and the two people get to know each other truly. If the relationship continues, the euphoria of obsession gives way to the warmth of a healthy attachment, based on security, trust, and reciprocity.
From Obsession to Freedom: The Role of Therapy
Therapy is a valuable aid in breaking free from the cycle of obsessive love . It aims not only to end the obsession, but to address the root causes and help you build healthier attachment patterns.
Identify and name the cycle: A therapist can help you recognize that what you're experiencing is obsessive love, not true love. This awareness allows you to step back from the emotion and begin to deactivate it.
Exploring attachment and past wounds: Often, obsessive love is linked to an insecure attachment style. Therapy can help you identify and heal these wounds, teaching you to feel secure in yourself and no longer relying on validation from others for your own self-esteem.
Learn the extinction strategy: A therapist can guide you through an "extinction" strategy, helping you reduce contact with the object of the obsession to break the cycle of hope and uncertainty. This work, while painful, is essential to freeing yourself from the grip of the obsession.
Strengthening Self-Esteem: Therapy is a space to refocus on yourself, to understand the underlying needs that have been projected onto others. By working on your own worth, you open the door to true love, based on security and self-respect, not on the need to be loved by others.
Conclusion: From Obsession to Freedom
Obsessive love is a powerful and disruptive force, but it is not love. Love is a feeling that builds, deepens, and solidifies over time. Obsessive love is an illusion, a projection of our desires onto another person. The path to a fulfilling relationship lies not in the intensity of obsession, but in the stability of a healthy, secure, and conscious attachment. It is by learning to free ourselves from obsession that we can truly learn to love.
If you recognize yourself in these patterns and wish to free yourself, I offer online coaching sessions to guide you on this path toward a healthier and more fulfilling attachment.
Keywords: Obsessive love, cycle, phases, infatuation, idealization, obsession, relationship, love.
Sources:
Tennov, D. (1979). Love and Limerence: the experience of being in love.
Comments