Love as a Drug: When Limerence Turns into Addiction
- Sabrina B.
- Aug 24
- 4 min read
There is a psychological state that we have all experienced at one time or another: that intoxicating and haunting sensation of falling in love. This experience, which leaves us floating on a cloud of intense emotions, can turn into a devastating force when it is not reciprocated. When the object of our affection does not return our love, the "dream" can turn into a veritable nightmare of obsession, hope, and despair. In psychology, this phenomenon has a specific name: limerence .
"Withdrawal syndrome, so typical of addiction, is at the heart of the experience of unreciprocal limerence. Refusal or lack of affection is perceived as rejection, which triggers real psychological pain."
Far from being a romantic form of love, this state shares many characteristics with addiction and dependency. Understanding its mechanisms is the first step toward freeing oneself from its grip and finding the path to true, healthy love.
Symptoms of Limerence: A Portrait of Emotional Dependence
Limerence, as defined in clinical studies, is an involuntary state characterized by symptoms reminiscent of addiction.
Intrusive and obsessive thoughts: The mind is invaded by an incessant stream of thoughts, analyses, and fantasies surrounding the object of limerence. The person in limerence spends much of their time interpreting every message, every word, every look, searching for the slightest evidence of reciprocity. This constant preoccupation is similar to the fixation of a drug addict on their substance.
Object Idealization: The object of limerence is perceived as an idealized version, a flawless being onto whom all desired qualities are projected. This idealization is a form of denial of reality, where the mind ignores imperfections to focus only on the aspects that fuel hope.
The high of hope and the low of fear: The state of limerence is a veritable emotional roller coaster. It is fueled by small signs of attention that trigger intense euphoria, and small signs of disinterest that plunge the person into deep sadness. It is this cycle of hope and uncertainty that activates the reward circuits in the brain, making it highly addictive.
Unreciprocal limerence: the withdrawal syndrome
Withdrawal syndrome, so typical of addiction, is at the heart of the experience of unreciprocal limerence. The refusal or lack of affection from the object of limerence is perceived as rejection, which triggers real psychological pain.
Depression and Obsession: Lack of reciprocity can lead to depression, a loss of interest in other aspects of life, and an intensification of obsession. The person becomes trapped in a desperate quest for the other person's attention, and each failure reinforces the belief that they are unworthy of love.
Survival strategies: To cope with this pain, the person experiencing limerence may develop compulsive strategies: sending incessant messages, intruding on others' lives, or obsessively monitoring themselves on social media. These behaviors, far from solving the problem, only worsen the pain and reinforce the cycle of addiction.
Consider the clinical case of Jane, studied by Dorothy Tennov. After meeting a married man, she developed unrequited limerence. Her obsession with him became so intense that she spent months monitoring his every move, to the detriment of her health and relationships. Her limerence, fueled by the hope of the slightest sign of attention, took over her life, plunging her into a deep state of withdrawal and despair.
Breaking Free from Limerence: The Path to Healing
Limerence is not inevitable. It is a condition that can be understood and managed. The path to recovery does not involve seeking a new "fix," but rather becoming aware of one's own condition and working on one's internal mechanisms.
Recognizing the phenomenon: The first step is to recognize that the feeling you're experiencing isn't true love, but limerence. This awareness allows you to step back from the emotion and begin to deactivate it.
The Extinction Strategy: Psychologist Dorothy Tennov suggests an "extinction" strategy, which involves reducing contact with the object of limerence as much as possible. By breaking the cycle of hope and uncertainty, we weaken the reward circuit and give ourselves a chance to free ourselves from the obsession.
Refocus on self: Therapeutic work can help understand the underlying needs that have been projected onto the object of limerence. By working on self-esteem, we free ourselves from the need for external validation and open the way to true love, based on security and self-respect.
Conclusion: From Obsession to Freedom
Limerence is a powerful and disorganizing force, but it is not love. Love is a feeling that builds, deepens, and solidifies over time. Limerence is a state of affairs, a mirage that, if not understood, can push us toward regrettable choices. The path to a fulfilling relationship lies not in the intensity of limerence, but in the stability of a healthy, secure, and conscious attachment. It is by learning to free ourselves from obsession that we can truly learn to love.
Keywords: Limerence, Love, Obsession, Attachment, Emotional Dependence, Psychology, Relationship, Healing.
Sources:
Tennov, D. (1979). Love and Limerence: the experience of being in love.
Do you recognize yourself in the symptoms of limerence? Is it love or obsession that guides your choices? If you would like to explore these questions and receive support in navigating the complexity of these feelings, I offer online coaching sessions from Monaco to guide you on this path.
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