Infidelity: How to talk to children about it?
- Sabrina B.
- Sep 5
- 3 min read
The discovery of infidelity is a shock for a couple, but the shock waves often spread far beyond the marital relationship. When children are involved, the challenge of healing becomes even more complex. How can you share such news without hurting them?
The main goal of this conversation is to protect the children and minimize trauma. This task is the joint responsibility of both parents, even if one of them is at fault.
💡It is imperative to emphasize that the advice given in this article is based on the premise of minimal agreement and goodwill on the part of the unfaithful partner. If one parent is threatening, hostile, or flatly refuses to cooperate, the top priority is the safety of the betrayed spouse and the children . Attempting to form a "common front" in such a context is a dangerous utopia. Emotional and physical survival must take precedence over any attempt at peaceful co-parenting.
Parental Unity: A Common Front
The first step, even before you begin the conversation, is to make sure you and your spouse are on the same page. This conversation shouldn't be a score-settling or an opportunity to blame each other. It should be done with both parents present. The infidelity has created a rift in the relationship, but it's imperative to present a facade of parental unity to the children.
The message should be simple and coherent: Discuss and prepare together the message you will deliver. The goal is not to give them all the details of the case, but to tell them that you are experiencing difficulties and that you need support.
Present yourself as a team: Show your children that, despite the crisis, you are still a united team in your role as parents. This stability is essential for their emotional security.
Avoid postponing uncertainty
In this time of heightened uncertainty, it's essential not to shift your doubts and questions onto your children. If there's no firm decision regarding a possible separation, don't announce it. The goal is to provide them with a solid foundation, even if the ground is shaky. When you give them information, make sure it's as definitive as possible. Only once the decision has been made and the action plan is ready can you inform them with confidence, thus minimizing their anxiety.
What to say... and what not to say
The conversation should be honest, but it shouldn't be a dumping of unnecessary information. The children's age is a determining factor in tailoring the message.
Clarity, not details: Tell them you're in crisis, that there have been betrayals, but don't go into the lurid details of the infidelity. This information can create traumatic images for children and is of no use to them.
"It's not your fault": Repeat this message, as children tend to blame themselves for their parents' problems. It's essential to reassure them that the situation is in no way related to their behavior or existence.
Avoid blaming: Don't use this conversation to shift blame between yourself or the partner who did the wrongdoing. This creates a climate of emotional abuse that can be harmful to children.
Managing Children's Reactions
Children may react in different ways to such news. Some may become angry, others may isolate themselves, and some may feel compelled to take sides.
Validate their emotions: Let them express themselves and validate their feelings. Listen to their sadness or anger without judgment. They have the right to feel upset.
Don't put them in the center: If a child wants to protect you, it's important to tell them that you are an adult and that you can handle the situation. It's the parent's job to reassure the child, not the other way around.
Ensure continuity: Assure them that no matter the outcome of the marital situation, their daily lives will not be disrupted. Structure and routine will provide valuable security during these uncertain times.
Conclusion on Infidelity and Children: A Common Healing Path
Telling your children about infidelity is one of the most difficult conversations you'll ever have. Your positioning, your unity with your spouse, and your ability to prioritize your children's emotional safety over your own quarrels are the keys to success. The path to healing is a path of co-construction, and by speaking honestly and kindly, you demonstrate that, even in crisis, your love for them remains intact.
Keywords: Infidelity, Children, Communication, Family, Trauma, Healing, Responsibility, Protection
Art: Nestor Diaz
How did you prepare for this conversation? What words were the most difficult to find? If you'd like to explore these questions and receive support navigating this conversation with your children, I offer online and in-person coaching sessions in Monaco to guide you on this journey.
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