Money, power and uprooting: the "implicit contract" in expatriate couples
- Sabrina B.
- Sep 4
- 4 min read
Leaving for the unknown of a foreign country is a shared project, an adventure meant to be shared. Yet, beneath the surface of packed suitcases and emotional farewells, lies an often invisible but crucially important dynamic: that of power. Within the expatriate couple, the cards are reshuffled, the balances are altered, and the notion of power, traditionally linked to money, becomes more complex. It shifts onto a more subtle and insidious terrain: that of codes, territory, and the implicit contract that has always cemented the relationship. This article aims to explore this complex reality, to show how expatriation can, in an instant, transform the architecture of a relationship and expose the flaws in its foundation.
Power beyond money: the weight of "codes"
While financial dependence is undoubtedly a source of imbalance, power is also played out on another level: that of environmental control. In their home country, each individual possesses a tacit authority that stems from their knowledge of the "codes" : how the administration works, the subtleties of language, and social and professional networks. Uprooting erases this authority from one partner, leaving them in a state of vulnerability that the other does not share.
A clinical case eloquently illustrates this reorganization of power, independent of any financial considerations. The story of this couple, whom we will call A and B, is revealing. They met and began their life together in A's country. In this context, A, the native, was the expert in local codes. He was the one with the bearings, who navigated with ease, and B, the partner who followed him, was in a supportive position. B was the encourager, the quiet strength, the one who often said "yes" to him; the "implicit contract" of their relationship was a complementarity where A was the main actor in the environment, and B the main actor in the support.
The Big Shift: From Support to Control
Everything changed when the couple moved to B's country. Suddenly, the roles reversed dramatically. It was B who now had the codes, who understood the nuances and workings of his environment. B, the initially caring partner, found himself often saying "no, we do things differently here," "no, that's not how you say it," "no, it doesn't work like that." For A, this transformation was a shock. Her supportive partner had become a framing partner, whom she perceived as controlling . She felt cheated, as if the version of B she loved and who had seduced her had been stolen from her. The change in context, by changing the distribution of power through the codes, completely changed the face of their relationship.
This anecdote highlights a flaw in the expatriate couple's "implicit contract." It was based not only on love, but also on an unconsciously accepted power dynamic. By moving countries, the contract was broken, and both partners had to confront a reality they had never considered: that one partner's strength could turn into weakness in another context, and that the other's support could become a form of control.
Expatriation: a test for the "fortress couple"
Expatriation, in its withdrawal phase, often transforms the couple into a protective "fortress" against the outside world. This bubble, while it can be a source of comfort, can also become a sounding board for internal conflicts. In the case of A and B, the "fortress" only amplified the shift in power, making it more intimate and oppressive. In the absence of external social networks to serve as safety valves, A found herself isolated, dependent on her partner for her integration, even though it was precisely the latter who, in her eyes, had changed. The experience of the "fortress" then accentuated the feeling of being trapped in a dynamic she no longer recognized.
The success of expatriation, as we have seen, does not lie in the absence of difficulties, but in the ability of expatriate couples to anticipate them and navigate them together. Pre-departure dialogue, which must include an honest discussion about fears and sacrifices, must also extend to an awareness of power dynamics.
Conclusion for expatriate couples: rebuilding the relationship mindfully
Expatriation is a relationship laboratory, a place where power dynamics and implicit contracts are put to the test. This couple's story reminds us that power isn't just about money. It also lies in mastering one's environment and knowing its codes. For couples embarking on this path, the key isn't to deny imbalances, but to acknowledge them, talk about them, and together recreate an "implicit contract" that adapts to each new territory. It is by doing this that the couple, far from undergoing the transformations of expatriation, can emerge stronger and more aware of their strengths and weaknesses.
Keywords: Expatriation, Couple, Power, Implicit contract, Resilience, Fortress, Couple dynamics
Image credit: Dynamic Wang
What power dynamics have you observed in your relationship while living abroad? How have you navigated the shifts in the "implicit contract"? If you'd like a more in-depth analysis of your own "implicit contract" and its power dynamics, I offer online coaching sessions from Monaco to guide you on this path of reconnection and rebalancing.
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