Polyamorous Attachment: Attachment Security in a 'Multi-Based' Couple
- Sabrina B.
- Aug 19
- 4 min read
In popular discourse, the concept of attachment is often associated with exclusivity. Our brains, as attachment theory reminds us, are wired to seek a "safe place." Traditionally, this safe place is found in the figure of a single partner, whose presence and reliability allow us to explore the world with confidence. But what happens when this exclusive model is deconstructed? Consensual non-monogamy, far from being a simple social arrangement, poses a fundamental question: how can we maintain a sense of deep security—a secure base—when our emotional lives are not centered on a single person? The answer lies in the ability to build "poly-secure" relationships, a concept explored in depth in Jessica Fern's book.
Security does not lie in exclusivity, but in the certainty that every bond, whatever its nature, is built on trust and presence.
Non-monogamy, far from rendering attachment useless, makes it an even more crucial skill. It doesn't eliminate fear, but it offers us a unique opportunity to confront it, understand its origins, and transform insecure attachment patterns into a resilient and intentional relational fabric.
Understanding Attachment Styles in Polyamory
Before we can build a secure foundation, it is essential to understand how attachment styles, inherited from childhood, manifest in a polyamorous context.
Secure attachment is characterized by trust and balance. A person with a secure attachment feels comfortable with their partner's closeness and independence. In a non-monogamous relationship, they are able to manage their emotions, communicate their needs clearly, and rejoice in their partners' happiness without feeling threatened. This is the ideal model toward which self-improvement strives.
Anxious attachment is often marked by a fear of abandonment. In polyamory, this can manifest as intense jealousy and a constant need for reassurance. The emotional brain of an anxious person may perceive their partner's relationship with another as an existential threat. This fear, if left unmanaged, can create a vicious cycle of attention demands and conflict, sabotaging all relationships.
Avoidant attachment is defined by a desire for excessive independence and a reluctance to be vulnerable. A person with avoidant attachment may seem perfectly suited to polyamory because they are comfortable with distance and freedom. However, this distance is often a defense mechanism to avoid emotional intimacy, which can make deep connection difficult or even impossible.
Understanding your own attachment style and that of your partners is the first step in navigating the emotional complexities of non-monogamy. It allows for an honest assessment of each partner's fears and needs.
The concept of the multiple "secure base"
The core of the "poly-secure" approach is the concept of the traditionally single secure base becoming multiple. A secure base is a person who provides comfort, security, and a "loving response." In a non-monogamous relationship, it is possible to establish multiple secure bases, creating a support network that enriches and stabilizes emotional life.
Each partner can become a secure base in their own way, offering different and complementary emotional spaces. One may be a long-time confidant, another an intellectual stimulant, and a third a support in times of crisis. It is this diversification of security that allows the individual to feel deeply supported without relying on a single source.
Tools for building secure "multi-bases"
Building a secure attachment in a non-monogamous relationship isn't passive. It requires intentional work on self and communication.
Honest and vulnerable communication. Transparency is the lifeblood of polyamory. It's essential to be open about your fears, insecurities, and needs, even if it feels uncomfortable. It's not about "managing" jealousy by hiding it, but about welcoming it as a wake-up call and sharing it with your partner to find a solution together.
Emotional validation. Emotional attunement is the most powerful tool for building security. It involves listening to and validating your partner's emotions, even if you don't understand or share them. A statement like, "I understand that you feel threatened by this situation," is a powerful affirmation of attachment security.
Knot Points: Managing Emotional Knots. Jessica Fern introduces the concept of "knot points," moments of discomfort or tension when the need for security is tested. These points can be dates with another partner, discussions about future plans, or moments of vulnerability. Identifying, anticipating, and managing them carefully is essential to avoiding crises.
Setting clear and mutually agreed-upon boundaries. In a non-monogamous relationship, boundaries are not prisons, but rather markers that guide the relationship. They must be discussed and updated regularly, based on each person's changing needs.
Conclusion: From the fear of abandonment to the joy of connection in polyamorous attachment
Navigating the complexities of non-monogamy by adopting a "poly-secure" approach is a challenging but deeply rewarding journey. It involves moving from reactive attachment, where fear dictates actions, to proactive and conscious attachment, where love and security are central. By learning to be our own secure base while building trusting connections with others, we free ourselves from the fear of abandonment and open ourselves to a greater joy: that of being fully ourselves, supported by a network of loving and secure attachments.
The real work isn't about suppressing jealousy, but about using it as a guide to identify one's own wounds and communicate them with an open heart. It's by facing our fears that we build a love capable of expanding, diversifying, and deepening.
Keywords: Polyamorous attachment, Polyamory, Polysecure, Jealousy, Therapeutic, Non-monogamy, Relationship, Trust.
Image credit: @Pablostanley
Which attachment style resonates most with your life experiences? Do you feel like your childhood fears are replaying in your current relationships? If you'd like to explore these questions and build a more conscious and peaceful love life, I offer online coaching sessions from Monaco to guide you on this path.
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