Polyamory: From the "Kitchen Table" to the "Parallel" Model
- Sabrina B.
- Aug 12
- 4 min read
The concept of consensual non-monogamy, often summarized by the term polyamory, evokes for many an unfettered relational freedom. However, this simplistic view masks a much more nuanced reality: polyamory is not a single model, but a spectrum of relationship structures, each with its own rules, dynamics, and challenges. Choosing to engage in a non-monogamous relationship is not just about opening up your relationship; it's about defining the foundations of what will make it safe and fulfilling.
“Polyamory is not a single model, but a spectrum of relationship structures, each with its own rules, dynamics, and challenges.”
To understand how to navigate this world, it's essential to distinguish between two main models, often presented as archetypes: "kitchen table" polyamory and "parallel" polyamory. These models, popularized by books like The Ethical Slut , are not dogmas, but starting points for an intentional and honest conversation about what you and your partners desire.
Polyamory at the "Kitchen Table": In Praise of Community
This model is the very archetype of the communal ideal. The metaphor of the "kitchen table" is eloquent: it suggests an environment where all partners, including co-partners (the "metamours"), know each other, respect each other, and are comfortable enough to find themselves in a family setting. The goal is not simply to coexist, but to form a chosen family where connection and synergy between all members are valued. Primary and secondary partners meet, share moments, and may even develop bonds of friendship.
In this model, communication is not only direct and open, but it extends to a wider network of people. The security of each individual is enhanced by a sense of belonging to a mutually supportive collective. The decisions of one person can affect the entire group, and it is this collective consciousness that is at the heart of the model. The intention is to create a true community of mutual support.
The benefits of polyamory at the "kitchen table":
Increased emotional security: Transparency and connectedness between partners reduce uncertainty and jealousy. The person knows who their spouse's other partner is, which eliminates mystery and fear scenarios.
Extended support: Members of a polyamorous family can rely on a wider emotional support network. In the event of a relationship crisis, other partners can offer perspective, a shoulder to lean on, or practical support.
Facilitated "Compersion": This model is the ideal breeding ground for "compersion," the feeling of joy we feel when our partner is happy with another person. Seeing our partner happy because of the other person can become a source of personal fulfillment.
The challenges of polyamory at the "kitchen table":
Strong communication skills: This model requires exceptional communication skills to manage group dynamics, potential conflicts, and individual needs. Honesty and vulnerability are daily imperatives.
Pressure to fit in: Some partners may feel pressured to socialize and bond with others, even if they don't naturally want to. This pressure can lead to tension and feelings of intrusion.
Power dynamics: Managing power dynamics can be difficult, especially if one partner has a central role or position of authority within the group, or if some relationships are longer and more established than others.
“Parallel” Polyamory: Space and Limits
In contrast to the previous model, "parallel" polyamory prioritizes independence and discretion. In this framework, relationships coexist without necessarily interacting directly. Partners are aware of each other's existence, but maintain distinct emotional and social worlds. Each partner operates in their own relational universe, and the boundaries are clearly demarcated to protect the privacy and autonomy of each relationship.
This model is often chosen by people who value their privacy, have busy schedules, or prefer a more compartmentalized approach to their relationships. It can also be a preferred option for those still learning to manage jealousy, as physical and social distance can reduce anxiety.
The advantages of “parallel” polyamory:
Clarity and autonomy: Boundaries are clear, which can reduce misunderstandings and confusion. Each relationship is handled independently, without the complications of group dynamics.
Privacy: This model allows for a certain level of privacy. Partners don't have to worry about what others think or how they get along.
Managing emotions: For people experiencing jealousy, the parallel model can be a gentler approach. It allows time to manage one's own emotions without direct confrontation with the other partner.
The challenges of “parallel” polyamory:
Risk of isolation: Lack of interaction between partners can create feelings of loneliness, especially if one partner needs more social support.
Lack of transparency: If boundaries are too rigid, the parallel model can lead to a lack of transparency, where partners don't feel comfortable discussing their other relationships. This can generate uncertainty and, ironically, mistrust.
Crisis Difficulties: When a major conflict arises in one relationship, other partners may not be informed or able to offer support. The crisis can be difficult to manage alone.
Conclusion: Love as a conscious and evolving project
Polyamory isn't just an alternative to monogamy; it's a relationship philosophy that requires conscious and ongoing work. Choosing your model isn't a definitive decision, but an ongoing process of communication and introspection. There's no right or wrong model; there's the one that best fits your values, your needs, and your ability to manage emotional complexities.
The success of these structures depends less on theory than on practice. It relies on each person's ability to be honest about their fears, communicate their desires openly, and respect established boundaries. The real work is learning to know themselves, to trust themselves, and to trust others, in order to create relationships that, whatever their format, are safe, fulfilling, and respectful.
Keywords: Polyamory, Non-monogamy, Relationships, Couple, Communication, Jealousy, Kitchen table, Parallel.
Image credit: @Pablostanley
Which non-monogamous relationship model resonates most with your personal values, and what challenges do you think it might pose for you and your partners? If you'd like to explore these questions and navigate the complexities of your love life with confidence, I offer online and in-person coaching sessions in Monaco to help you gain clarity.
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