Trailing spouse: how to overcome expatriation?
- Sabrina B.
- Aug 14
- 5 min read
Expatriation is a fascinating life project, promising adventure, professional fulfillment, and cultural openness. But behind the glamorous postcard facade lies a more complex reality and, for one partner, an often underestimated challenge: the role of "trailing spouse" or "accompanying spouse." Mostly assumed by women, this status, although sometimes chosen, is a powerful catalyst for stress and identity upheaval. International mobility specialists do not hesitate to compare it to an "earthquake," which tests the resilience of the individual, the couple, and family ties.
Expatriation acts less as a direct cause of problems than as a powerful revealer and amplifier of pre-existing strengths and weaknesses within the relationship.
This article aims to explore in depth the trailing spouse's journey, from announcing their departure to self-reinvention. Drawing on psychological research and systemic analyses, we will unpack the challenges, identify the risks, and, most importantly, highlight the strategies that can transform a crisis into an opportunity for exceptional personal and professional growth.
The psychological portrait of the trailing spouse: an underestimated burden
Trailing spouse status, even when it's the result of a shared decision, presents a host of personal and professional challenges that can have significant psychological repercussions. Studies show that spouses' morale is, on average, lower than that of expatriate employees themselves. This distress is a symptom of several interconnected issues.
Loss of professional identity. For many people, work is a pillar of identity and self-esteem. Putting one's career on hold to follow one's partner can lead to a feeling of a "hole" in one's resume and a loss of professional status. The trailing partner must then rebuild the foundations of their identity outside of the professional sphere, which is a difficult and sometimes painful task.
The risk of social isolation. Expatriation involves a break with cultural and social references, including friendship and family networks. The trailing spouse, who is not immersed in a professional structure and is often responsible for setting up the family, finds himself particularly exposed to the risk of social isolation. This loneliness can be all the more difficult to cope with as the partner, absorbed by their new job, is often less available.
Financial dependence. Although rarely discussed, losing a personal income can create feelings of financial dependence. This imbalance can undermine self-esteem, weaken the power position within the couple, and, in extreme cases, make the trailing spouse particularly vulnerable in the event of marital difficulties or conflict.
The professional obstacle: the obstacle course of reintegration
The desire to reintegrate professionally in the host country often faces a multitude of obstacles. The figures speak for themselves: while 80% of spouses want to find a job, only 40% succeed. This gap between aspirations and reality is a significant source of frustration and unhappiness.
The difficulties are numerous and often specific to the international context:
The language barrier that makes professional integration difficult.
Non-recognition of diplomas and professional experience by the local labor market.
The complexity of the administrative procedures for obtaining a work permit.
The difficulty of rebuilding a professional network from scratch, a key factor in finding a job.
Another crucial point highlighted by the research is the lack of institutional support from companies. One survey found that 73% of spouses looking for work received no support from their partner's company. This lack of support reinforces the feeling of being a mere "adjustment variable," a passive role that is the opposite of personal fulfillment.
Beyond Challenges: Coping Strategies and the Path to Reinvention
Expatriation, while a source of challenges, is also fertile ground for innovation and self-reinvention. The most effective adaptation strategy, according to experts, is to refuse passivity and become "an actor in one's expatriation."
Several concrete strategies can be put in place to regain control of your trajectory:
Professional reinvention: The period of expatriation can be an opportunity to embark on a professional reconversion, to launch an entrepreneurial project (e-commerce, online consulting) or to acquire new skills through distance learning.
Social engagement: Volunteering, hobbies, and participation in expatriate associations are powerful levers for breaking isolation, rebuilding a social network, and finding new meaning in one's daily life.
Continuous learning: Learning the local language, learning about cultural customs or exploring opportunities in the host environment are all ways to enhance one's self-esteem and regain a sense of competence and legitimacy.
Financial autonomy: Planning for and maintaining a minimum level of financial autonomy (for example, a sufficiently funded personal bank account) is an essential precautionary and protective measure, which helps maintain a balance of power within the couple and protects against unforeseen circumstances.
The role of the couple: a project for two, not a sacrifice for one
Expatriation is a stress test for the marital entity. The success of this transition depends on the couple's ability to view it as a "joint project" and not as an "individual sacrifice."
The phase preceding departure is crucial. It is the moment when the nature of the "psychological contract" between the partners is at stake. If the decision is perceived as unilateral or forced, it can generate a feeling of "sacrifice" and "psychological debt" which risks being reactivated and amplified by the difficulties of expatriation. Pre-departure communication must therefore not be limited to logistical aspects, but must imperatively explore the "why" and the "what to do together for" .
To keep a couple together, good communication is the cornerstone of healthy preparation. One recommended strategy is to institutionalize communication sessions and schedule a sort of "couple meeting" at regular intervals to take stock of each other's feelings, challenges, and goals.
Conclusion: From ordeal to resilience
The trailing spouse's journey is fraught with challenges, but also with promise. It's a profound identity transition that, if navigated with awareness and proactivity, can become a source of exceptional resilience and fulfillment.
The success of this adventure together rests on fundamental pillars: honest anticipation of challenges, authentic and continuous communication, and the ability of each partner to reinvent themselves. Expatriation is not an end in itself, but a journey that, through its challenges, can teach us about ourselves and the strength of our relationship. The trailing partner is not only the one who accompanies, but also the one who reinvents themselves, and who, through their resilience, enriches the entire couple's project.
Keywords: Expatriation, Trailing spouse, Identity crisis, Couple, Psychology, Resilience, International mobility, Coaching
Image Credit: @Nestordiaz
Do you recognize yourself in this portrait of the trailing spouse? What challenges do you find most difficult to overcome? If you or your partner feel destabilized by this transition, I offer online from Monaco to help you find your way and turn this experience into an opportunity for shared growth.
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