Why love becomes a "task" to be accomplished (and how to regain lightness through the Flexibility of Sexual Scripts)
- Sabrina B.
- Dec 4
- 7 min read
This article is based on a rigorous review of the scientific literature and my ongoing academic research on the flexibility of sexual scripts. You can follow my work on ResearchGate . The complete bibliography is available at the bottom of the page.
Introduction: When mechanics replace magic
At the beginning of your relationship, everything seemed simple. It flowed. It felt "natural." You didn't question anything. And then one day, without really knowing why, things started to break down. It's not that you don't love each other anymore. It's just that intimacy has become... burdensome.
There's that little voice in your head that sneaks in under the covers: "Will it work tonight?" , "Are we in sync?" , "I have to make sure I'm on top of things" , "It's too long" , "It's too short" . The result? We end up avoiding physical contact to avoid dealing with the awkwardness. Or we do it out of habit, on autopilot, our minds elsewhere, just to confirm that the relationship is still working.
Whether you're a high-pressure entrepreneur in Monaco, a French expat navigating the fast-paced life of Singapore, or a couple settled in Dubai, this feeling of heaviness is not inevitable. In sociology and sexology, this phenomenon has a name: you're trapped in sexual scripts that have become too rigid.
As a psychologist and clinical sexologist who sees patients from all over the world via video consultations, I see every day that the problem isn't a lack of desire, but rather excessive pressure and overly rigid mental and sexual behavior . In this comprehensive guide, we'll explore how flexibility is the key to breaking free from this mechanical pattern and rediscovering connection.
Part 1: Understanding the "Software" – Why is it failing?
To simplify your sex life, you must first understand the invisible rules you unknowingly follow. Since the 1970s, thanks to the seminal work of sociologists John H. Gagnon and William Simon, we know that sexuality is not solely a matter of hormones or biology. It is a learned behavior, socially and culturally constructed.
We all follow scripts. The problem arises when the script becomes a prison.
The 3 Levels of Your Expectations (Script Architecture)
According to the scientific model, your sexuality revolves around three levels. If one of them becomes rigid, the whole system becomes burdensome.
Cultural Scenarios (The Weight of Society): This is what films, education, or the media have taught us. "A man must always be in the mood," "Sex must end with a simultaneous orgasm," "It must be spontaneous like in a romantic comedy."
The challenge of living abroad: If you live abroad, you experience a double pressure: that of your culture of origin (French) and that of your host country (Anglo-Saxon, Eastern, etc.). This dissonance often creates an invisible mental burden.
Interpersonal Scripts (Couple Negotiation): This is the routine that has settled in between you. "He's always the one who initiates," "We always make love on Saturday night." This is the level of concrete interaction.
Intrapsychic Scripts (Your Inner World): This is what happens in your head. Your fantasies, your memories, and how you interpret what happens. This is where anxiety often arises: "If I don't feel anything right away, it's over."
The Real Culprit: Rigidity
The problem isn't having habits. The problem is when we no longer know how to do things differently. Recent studies (notably Bouchard et al., 2023) show a direct link: the more flexible a couple is in the face of unforeseen events (fatigue, stress, changing bodies), the higher their satisfaction. Conversely, rigidity transforms pleasure into obligation. It creates this feeling of "I have to" that kills the "I want to."
Part 2: The Sexual Script Flexibility Revolution (The 4 Pillars)
Forget the idea that you have to be "high-performing." Performance is the enemy of eroticism. My clinical approach, based on current research around the SexFlex scale, aims to develop a much more valuable skill: Erotic Flexibility .
Flexibility isn't about performing Kama Sutra acrobatics. It's the mental and emotional capacity to dance with the unexpected. It's about bringing playfulness back into situations where there's a lot at stake. Here are the four pillars for regaining lightness:
1. Lighten the Mind (Cognitive Flexibility)
It is the ability to reframe the experience when it does not go as planned.
The "Pressure" mode: You think in binary mode (Success/Failure). "If I don't get an erection right away, it's a disaster" , "If I don't lubricate, it means I don't love him/her anymore" .
The "Flexible" mode: You think in exploratory mode. "Hey, my body's sluggish tonight. It's okay, it's just different. We can do something else." You shift from critical judgment to benevolent curiosity. This is what allows you to avoid panicking at the slightest physiological variation.
2. Breaking Free from the Automaton (Behavioral Flexibility)
Have you noticed that you often do the same things, in the same order? It's reassuring, but it eventually extinguishes the spark.
Rigidity: Having a "single menu". If you start, you must go all the way, in the same way.
Flexibility: It's about allowing yourself to change a small detail. It's about accepting that sex can take a thousand forms: sometimes intense, sometimes very slow, sometimes just caresses, sometimes laughter. There's no "right way" to do it, there's just your way in the moment. Embracing "lazy sex" (lazy and cuddly sex) is often a great relief for overworked couples.
3. Accepting what is (Emotional Flexibility)
People often believe that you have to be 100% relaxed, happy, and available to make love. This is false, and it puts enormous pressure on you.
The Trap: Trying to hide your "negative" emotions (sadness, fear, work stress) so as not to "spoil the atmosphere." This creates distance: you are physically present, but emotionally absent.
The key: Flexibility means acknowledging your present emotions. If you're feeling a little sad or worried, it's okay to take them to bed with you. Saying "I'm feeling a little distant tonight" or "I've had a terrible day" is often the best way to recreate closeness and security.
4. Truly Finding Each Other (Flexibility of the Bond / Dyadic Dimension)
This is the expert level of the relationship, and often the number one reason for therapy. It's the famous "We're not in sync." He wants it, you don't? You want gentleness, he wants intensity?
The Rigid Couple: Sees this difference as a dead end or rejection. "We're incompatible," "It's always the same." This ends in conflict or silence.
The Flexible Couple: Sees this difference as a negotiation zone. "Okay, you're at 8/10 sexual energy, I'm at 2/10 fatigue. We're not going to pretend. But we're not going to ignore each other either. Let's create a 5/10 encounter." It's the art of co-regulation : adjusting in real time to the other person's state to stay connected, even in disagreement. We're not trying to be the same, we're trying to be together.
How does therapy help to "release the pressure"?
The good news is that flexibility is like a muscle: it can be trained. The brain is plastic, and sexual scripts can be rewritten throughout life.
In video consultations, we don't aim to make your sex life "successful," but rather to bring peace to it. We work on:
Uncover the "You must": Identify the invisible rules that put pressure on you.
Connection Communication: Learning to talk about your desires and limits without the other person feeling rejected.
Managing Differences: Learning to navigate the precise moment when your desires diverge to find a peaceful common ground.
My Invitation for Your Couple: Exploring the Flexibility of Sexual Scripts
As your therapist, I don't want you to have a "normal" or "perfect" sex life. Normality is sad, and perfection is a myth. I want you to have a vibrant sex life.
This year, I encourage you to abandon the idea of results. Stop wanting it to be "like before" or "like in the movies." Aim for lightness instead.
The next time you feel it's stuck, don't force it.
If a breakdown occurs, welcome it with kindness.
If your desires differ, negotiate gently.
Sexual health isn't measured by the frequency of intercourse or the intensity of a physical response, but by your shared ability to adapt. Don't strive for performance. Be connected. Be flexible.
FAQ: Flexibility, Pressure, and Therapy
Q: Does flexibility mean I have to force myself when I don't feel like it?
Absolutely not. It's the opposite. Rigidity is thinking, "I have to do it to please him/her." Flexibility is being able to say, "I don't want penetration tonight, but I want to hold you in my arms." It's opening up the range of possibilities instead of closing yourself off.
Q: My partner is putting a lot of pressure on me, how can I talk to him about it?
The pressure often stems from insecurity ("If we don't do it, there must be a problem"). In therapy, we work on Pillar 4 (The Connection) so that your partner understands that flexibility is not rejection, but another form of connection.
Q: Is online therapy suitable for these problems?
Yes, absolutely. Since the blockage is often mental (the scripts) and relational, verbal exchange via video call is very effective. The screen often allows for a beneficial disinhibition, making it easier to address these intimate subjects with more honesty and less embarrassment.
Do you feel that pressure is suffocating your relationship? Are you no longer able to communicate without tension? Whether you are in Paris, Geneva or on the other side of the world, online consultation offers a neutral and safe space to relearn this flexibility together.
Sabrina Beloufa Clinical Psychologist & Sexologist Specialist in couple therapy and erotic flexibility for French speakers worldwide.
📚 Bibliography & Scientific Resources
For further information, here are the references used for this guide:
Gagnon, JH, & Simon, W. (1973). Sexual Conduct: The Social Sources of Human Sexuality . (The seminal work on the social origin of our desires).
Bouchard, KN, et al. (2023). "Sexual script flexibility and sexual well-being in long-term couples". The Journal of Sexual Medicine . (The key study that proves flexibility is more important than frequency for marital happiness).
Masters, NT, et al. (2013). "Sexual scripts among young heterosexually active men and women". (On the different styles of script management: conformity vs transformation).
Banens, M. (2010). "Gagnon and Simon and the theory of sexual scripts". (A critical French-language analysis of the theory).
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